Life has been coming in waves of oblivion for me. The last two weeks have been excellent, and I dont want them to stop. Just laying with him is bliss. And I need nothing else.
People have been noticing how happy I am... which is great, because, even though I was never a grumpy person in the first place, people seem to be more welcoming now I suppose... I think thats the best way to describe it. I saw my grandfather today, and he said he was happy to see me smiling and as happy as I was... he seemed truely happy for a moment. He kind of saw how upset I was when I left Brian, and I think he's happy to see I've moved on and found some one who might be good for me... seeing as no one in my family thought I should have been with him.

I also saw Kristiana today, and we're going to start doing more stuff together... I dont really get to see her very often, and I want us to be close cause I love her so much, and she's such a beautiful little girl. She's awesome. And I want to be there as she grows up.

End

The background to my painting turned out perfect. I'm extremely happy with it. And now I wait until it dries so I can start on the main focus of the peice. I wish I had a camera so I could post visual updates!
After work, I think I'm going to finish up one of my previous peices (which still needs a name).

I'm home, completely alone right now, and I am so paranoid. I dont like being in this big house all by myself. I know I shouldnt be scared, and I should have faith but shit happens and there are so many sick fucks out there... I just cant help it.

Im so scared. I wish there was someone I could call to come over and keep me company. Im too scared to go outside... I was thinking about calling my dad to see if he's in town, but like I said, Im too scared to leave.
v_v I dont know what to do...

Yay!!! My first semester is over!!!
Im so excited to start classes at the Appleton campus! That one is so much better than the riverside campus.

But yeah... first semester!!! woo!

I’m the spider
I’m the…hey
Oh I know your pain.
You, like I, plagued by the flies inside your brain.
Oh I’m creeping up your veins.

And I give this curse to you
like there is nothing else to do.

So let the purple sky explode.
Let it shower with us toads.
Let the scarlet river flood
so it can drown us all in blood.

Interesting weekend.
Got to hang out with Dave for a while, but only for about half a day, but Im still glad I got to, because he could have just as easily said "Hell no, I'm not driving two hours to see you" But Im special, so he didnt say that.
But yeah, so we played some pool, then hung out with my ol' friend Mandea who I never really get to hang out with, since she's busy, Im busy... shit happens. But it was fun when she wasnt stuck on the phone with her BF.
+ I kick butt at guitar hero... though Im more like... guitar sidekick.

There is no deadsy show. It was all a lie. I have a ticket for a Deftones show. I dont even listen to those losers. Im angry. I wanted my Deadsy. I was really happy I actually had another chance to see them before they didnt come around here for another four years... but I guess not. I got screwed. GRRRRRRRRRR. Freakin angry.
Im going to LG next week. Im looking foward to it... hanging out... getting my car fixed... hanging out some more... 

HA HA HA SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT
FREAKIN MOFO.

Its ok though. I've got my jams. My eff-ing load of homework. Im so content. You know you're jealous.

Holy crap, Im in the mood for an update.

Money scares me. I think thats what has been causing my headaches... Im scared I wont have enough for tuition this semester (though I probably will)... I just hate the fact I dont have all of it yet, and I suppose that creates the worry that it will never come... but I just have to keep working. Try not to lose my job.

A lady came into menards today, and she was one of the employees wives... and employees can buy things with their work badge and it just come out of their paycheck, so she came through with her husbands badge, and I wanted to check with the manager to make sure it would be ok, since she didnt actually work there, and she flipped out on me. "Are you kidding me? Yes. Im allowed to use his badge. How long have you been working here? Dont they tell you this in your training? Havent you been working here long enough that they could have trained you in this? How long have you been working here??"
She was such a bitch. And there were so many things I wanted to say... but I just cant lose my job. So I had to take her shit. How degrading! Who the hell does she think she is? All I wanted to do was double check that it would be ok so I dont get written up for something else!

*Sigh*
*Crumble*

Next week I get to see my neice and nephew <3
I miss them.

Next month deadsy.... *.*  Just what I want... I really cant wait. Its what I've been waiting for for 5 years. Yes. Its been that long. Sad. They dont tour very often, and when they have single shows, they're always in Cali. Do I live there? Seems not. 
Lovely. 
I wish I had friends here.
But then again, solitude is occasionally lovely.

>_< 
I just want to scream.
I feel completely restless.

I need to do home work, but i want to play video games, or run away, or cry, or read harry potter, or sleep, or RUN AWAY. 
I dont know why i cant stand this... repetition... arent people supposed to be able to deal with this sort of thing without effort? but its so difficult... constanty... everything isnt even moving. everything just sitting there... and i've done it all before... there is nothing new for me now... 
its 8:16 pm. where are you? sitting on the floor of my bedroom surrounded by clothes carelessly thrown on the floor... the cat staying warm on the blanket on my lap, my cd folder is open to my left, my mind to the right. its cold everywhere. my head is swimming. i want it to be nothing.
God, why do you wish me to be alone, when you know it hurts me so much? Why have I been blessed with solidity? 

Is it time to runaway?
Deadsy loves me.
It envelopes my entire being... why didnt I think of it before?

Im losing my fucking mind.
THIS IS ME.

I honestly feel like i just dont know what to do with myself anymore. I keep letting myself slip, and letting things get to me that I used to be able to control so well. Im losing motivation to do anything... I feel worthless, useless, alone. Like no one knows I'm here, but I'm not so sure I care. I half expected this to happen. Part of me thinks the people i know love me, and will go out of their way to hang out with me, or talk to me, or see how Im doing, but then when no one does, that other part of me comes out, and shows me the truth. 

I lost a great love (in spite of any differences) and I am so scared I'll never have that again. Maybe that was it. That was my one shot. My one chance. 

IM SICK OF COMPLAINIG. Im sick of having nothing else to say. This makes me loathe myself truely.
Ocassionaly it feels as though Im slipping into a coma, and I really dont mind... not anymore... Being thoughtless is a gift to me these days. 


Maybe I should just start painting again... nothing else will matter... just painting everything that there in my head. all the things i cant wait to get rid of, but i cant let go of. 
enough now. And now, something to cheer myself up with:
 

I must say Dear, 
You truely are beautiful.

Say Anything is now inside my cd player. Im happy about that.
In general, Im fighting to concentrate... but Im ok.


Lets see... What could I possibly be depressed about.
Well Im out of harry paradise. I dont know what it was in those books... ok maybe i do. But they were such and escape. They were pleasent. They were where I want to be. Some one was right... I enjoy suffering. I wouldnt mind taking harry's pain. I think maybe its because thats the only thing that really makes me feel. Or that, I dont feel as though I deserve to be happy.... like Im meant to suffer because thats life, and everyone should have to deal with it... i dont know what my issue is. for the most part. I guess its more so that I cant form it properly into a makeshift sentence so you can understand. not that you're meant to.
Anyway, point is, Im all out of thrilling consuming paradise. Im taking into consideration just starting over with book 1.

Secondly... Im so scared of failing economics... I know I need that class if I want to understand any of my future classes, and succeed with my business, and the course is almost half over... Im behind, I still dont even understand the 1st chapter we went over... i think i might have to start from square one... and im not sure, but I think I'll have to get A's on everything from now on just to get a B average... I really wanted a 3.0 gpa this semester... and I've already gotten an F on our first test... I cant do worse than a B anymore... I just wont let myself. I need to get this right.

Thirdly... I feel like I dont have time to myself anymore... 
I dont have time to paint... or hang out, or just lay around... Im always working, at school, or doing homework. And I know thats whats most crucial at this point, to be able to pay for my education, and then work to get good grades... but i feel like it isnt amounting to anything... im not making enough money, and i suck at econ.
<_>
Im getting really sick of my memories... I feel like my life before April is someone elses, and I can see it through this window at the end of a mile long hallway, yet i can still feel everything... the great, and the horrible.
sometimes it hurts... but Im doing a lot better than I was...
I dont cry anymore... and for me thats a huge improvement...
now its more just me staring into nothing, getting lost.

new christian bale icons... he's coming out in a new movie this friday: "The Pristige" (sp?)
I wish i could go see it, but i have no one to go with =( 
I freaking love christian... 
(i will marry you some day<3)
Sugar we're going down swingin 

SO Im done with "Order of the pheonix"
I think I cried about 3 times throughout the last 2 or 3 chapters. It was a sad book... good, but sad. And I have a feeling so will be the 6th and 7th. I mean, Its at the point where Harry now knows why all of the stuff thats happened to him happened. And even though he's still got almost everything he did in the beginning (friends wise), he's lost so much, learned so much, and now he just has to deal with it. And obviously he isnt going to defeat Voldomort anytime soon, so theres still so much sadness and difficulty ahead.

Anyway, enough with the Harry Potter.
So I did fail my economy test... 22 out of 50. But I actually impressed myself. I thought I got only 5 right... so go me. And now, the week of homework starts anew, and I've got a butt load to do.

as usual, depression is still on the horizon, but Im stable so its all good. I guess I'll know when something is wrong when I start sleeping for more than 12 hours at a time, and I do nothing but daydream... well I guess sitting there thoughtless staring into nothingness would be more accurate.
ANYWAY. I think my friend Dave is coming to visit me on friday... He's not necessarily known to keep his word, but I think he likes me enough that he'll try. ^_^ and if he doesnt, he'll get his ass kicked.
AND I have a holloween party to go to... so Im happy. I was invited to something. Yay me. Im sure its going to be a lot of fun though, so Im looking foward to seeing my beloit/lake ganeva friends. If anyone wants to come with me, let me know, and I'll see if its alright to bring you... hint hint KRYSTAL OR TIA. or anyone really. It would be fun to have company on the trip down there.

Im trying so hard to do homework!! but all i want to do is sit and read harry potter!!!!!!!!!!!!! damn you harry potter... damn you. Just kidding!!! [I still love you. sshhh.]

PICTURE!